Society. "Be careful, you're getting old": How to deal with pressure to have children?

"When's the baby due?", "Be careful, you're getting old, you won't be able to have children soon," "You don't want children? You'll change your mind." What woman hasn't been confronted with these kinds of remarks? Even today, in our society, being a successful woman often means being a mother.

Yet, this question of motherhood is not obvious to everyone. How can we face and respond to these injunctions? In their book Être mère, si je veux, quand je veux! , Professor Nathalie Massin, reproductive endocrinologist and head of the Center for Assisted Reproductive Technology at the American Hospital of Paris, and coach and therapist Anne-Lise Pernotte invite women to determine what they really want. But above all, to know their bodies and the possibilities offered by science, to feel free in thinking about motherhood and to free themselves from guilt.

This reasoning begins with a question that is more complex than it seems: do I want to have a child? Women can quickly find themselves torn between society's expectations, the ups and downs of life, their professional careers, and the passing of time. "We are all imbued with beliefs; it is often very difficult to differentiate between a deep desire and a 'norm'. We can take this reflection further with questions like: 'At the end of your life, what are the three things you want to have accomplished?' 'Is motherhood one of them?' 'How do you feel when you pass a pregnant woman in the street?' 'Why and for whom would you want to have a child?'" suggests Nathalie Massin.

When it comes to questions about motherhood, one topic keeps coming up: age. And very often, there are many misconceptions about this, particularly around the "biological clock." The average age of women at the birth of their first child in France is currently 31, while it was 27 for the current generation of grandmothers. The same goes for the age of fathers, even if they generally remain older than mothers. "Knowledge is power," repeats the reproductive endocrinologist, who supports women in their plans to have children, several times. It is important to know your body well so as not to be overwhelmed by the passing of time, to make a more informed choice, and to free yourself from guilt. Is it easy to become a mother if you want to and when you want to?

"It is essential to distinguish between the ability of our ovaries to produce eggs that are capable of producing a baby and the ability to carry a child. As long as a uterus is healthy, you can carry a child until the age of 50, however, this involves risks for the baby," says Nathalie Massin. While each case is different, the specialist notes the statistic to remember: "At 40, two-thirds of women can have their child naturally, although it may take a little longer. For those who are unable to get pregnant naturally, there are other methods, such as using egg donation or accessing assisted reproductive technology (ART)," she explains.

Because the desire to have a child can come later, it is also possible to preserve one's eggs between the ages of 29 and 37. "This is one of the things that allows one to free one's mind a little, even if it is not a magic wand," adds the endocrinologist.

While some women sometimes wait until they have a stable job or a partner with whom to start a family, having a child can also be a project to undertake alone, as life's ups and downs are numerous and there is no perfect situation. In France, the law has authorized medically assisted procreation (MAP) for single women since 2021, under the same conditions as for women in a relationship with a man or a woman.

Finally, being a mother is not an obligation , as the two authors remind us, "there is life, even without children." A choice that more and more women are affirming today. And then, there are also those who want to have children but cannot. Motherhood remains a choice and a personal reflection that no one should allow themselves to be able to judge.

Being a mother, if I want, when I want , by Professor Nathalie Massin and Anne-Lise Pernotte, First editions, 18.95 euros.